


The Last Dance

by dreamingHierophant



Category: Homestuck
Genre: "The Last War" - Harry Potter, Anti-Applebee's Bias, Applebee's, Attempt at Humor, Community: homesmut, Fluffy Ending, Homestuck Kink Meme, Meta-Fanfic References For Humor's Sake, Multi, Polyamory, Post-Sburb, Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-24
Updated: 2016-04-24
Packaged: 2018-06-04 06:13:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6644539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamingHierophant/pseuds/dreamingHierophant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"As for the canon whores who just decided to show up... *yawn* Perhaps you should heed the advice of your Patron Goddess and 'go back and reread', because I think you'll find I'm writing the Applebee's quite in-character." --David Bowie</p><p>In which Terezi and Karkat dance in a diner.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Last Dance

Years in the future, but not many…

You are now DAVE STRIDER.

You are out on a WEIRD DATE with your CO-MATESPRITS, which is a way of saying your BOYFRIEND, KARKAT VANTAS, and your GIRLFRIEND, TEREZI PYROPE. The two of them are in a SIMILAR RELATIONSHIP WITH EACH OTHER, which is SCANDALOUS BY TROLL STANDARDS, or would be if any of the trolls you knew CARED. 

Karkat might be expected to care, to care a lot even, but lately he has been pretty down on the troll concept of quadranted romance. Which is understandable, and kind of nice, because it’s not like you’ve ever really subscribed to those goddamn n-drangles. In fact, you’re kind of uncomfortable with them yourself.

Your dates with them are not normally weird, or at least not weird by your standards. Today is a little weird though, because today is the day that EVERYONE ALMOST DIED, or rather THEY DIED IN ANOTHER TIMELINE, which is THE ONE ROXY AND JOHN OLLIED OUT OF. It calls up A LOT OF PRETTY BAD MEMORIES, to be honest. This is why you are MOSTLY QUIET and COMMUNICATING VIA YOUR PHONES.

The date probably would be more enjoyable if you were not IN YOUR CURRENT LOCATION, which is to say AN APPLEBEE'S.

TG: man i have to be real here  
TG: i knew i was gonna be let down hard today   
TG: that was pretty much the full substance of the mission briefing all bolded and underlined   
TG: cia guys all looking grimly at you as they pass the file   
TG: weve crunched the numbers son and enjoyment where youre going well its a dead zone   
TG: where youre going smiles dont exist and the recipe for your food was derived from deranged scribblings on the wall of gordon ramsays private outhouse  
TG: and i accepted anyway cause america needs a hero today not tomorrow  
TG: but like  
TG: im seriously not feeling this quesadilla burger  
TG: this is the worst way you could combine those two concepts  
TG: the pico is INSANELY raunchy   
CG: DAVE, IT MIGHT SHOCK YOU TO LEARN THAT MY GIVE-A-SHIT BULB AS REGARDS THE CONTENTS OF YOUR NUTRITION PLATEAU HAS BEEN SO THOROUGHLY EXHAUSTED AS TO COMPLETELY CEASE EXISTING AS A CONCEPT.  
CG: I WILL REITERATE, WITH AS MANY DISTRIBUTED SHOUT POLES AS NECESSARY, THAT I WAS *FIRMLY MOTHERFUCKING AGAINST* MAKING EXPEDITION TO THIS ASSIDUOUS FIEFDOM OF BLIGHT!  
CG: I WAS IN FACT THE PRIME MOVER AGAINST THE IDEA OF WILLINGLY PASSING BEYOND THE GATES OF THIS VOMITOUS HELL-TROUGH, WHICH HUMANS WITH THEIR ETERNAL AND STULTIFYING CAPACITY FOR QUAINTLY BIZARRE LABELING CALL “APPLEBEE’S.”  
CG: GROWING UP ON ALTERNIA? IT WAS PRETTY HARSH. I HAD TO COOK WHAT MY LUSUS DRAGGED IN. ONE TIME CRABDAD SCHLEPS HOME A MUSCLEBEAST UDDER, AND GUESS WHO HAD TO MAKE UDDER BACON?   
CG: THE ONLY GUY WITH FINE MOTOR SKILLS IN THE GODDAMN HIVE, YOURS FUCKING TRULY!!  
CG: I FRIED THAT SHIT TILL IT WAS BLACKENED AND IT STILL FELT LIKE CHEWING THROUGH TIRE TREADS SOAKED IN MILK. I THOUGHT I WOULD NEVER HAVE SUCH A DISGUSTING TEXTURE/TASTE COMBINATION IN MY MOUTH AGAIN.  
CG: LO AND BEHOLD, APPLEBEE’S FIESTA LIME CLUCKBEAST. LOOK UPON THY WORKS, O VANTAS, AND DESPAIR.  
TG: dude is it really that bad i mean  
TG: chicken is one of the basic foods  
TG: of no offense to anybody  
GC: NO, NO, K4RK4T 1S 3NT1R3LY CORR3CT TOD4Y, TH4T CLUCKB34ST 1S FOUL3D B3YOND S4LV4G1NG  
GC: 1 DON’T KNOW WH4T M4D3 TH3M D3C1D3 TO 1NFL1CT TH1S K1ND OF 4TROC1TY ON GRUB S4UC3 BUT 1T 1S PR3TTY D3F1N1T3LY TH3 PRODUCT OF 4 D3PR4V3D M1ND >:[  


 

Dave: Disbelieve.

You roll your eyes. They’ve got to be exaggerating. Of all the things to screw up--and Applebee’s has a whole menu of mistakes on hand--you somehow don’t think this chicken is one of them. You take your knife and fork and push the offending sauce off, then slice a piece off delicately, taking an experimental bite.

TG: man this sounds to me like bullshit in the main if you scrape the sauce off like so its probably fine  
TG: check it all oH GOD

 

Dave: Be mistaken.

You couldn’t wait to be a huge piece of shit and not believe Karkat about the chicken! 

You regret this action in absolute terms.

TG: FUCK  
TG: ITS NOT FINE  
TG: jesus take the wheel  
TG: my fuckin mouth man i never asked for this aint nobody asked for this  
CG: WE *JUST* WARNED YOU ABOUT THE CHICKEN, DUDE.  
GC: W3 TOLD YOU DOGG >:O  
TG: fuck ME it keeps happening  
TG: just cause i ordered a “fiesta chicken” doesnt mean i want the ingredients to throw a reprehensible fuckin junior prom and get wasted in my god damn mouth  
TG: okay the supreme court has reached consensus on amending the constitution of places to eat  
TG: new verdict is applebees blows dont even try it  
TG: its not even weirdly amusing like olive garden its just shit  
GC: 3V3N TH3 DR1NKS, WH1L3 4PPROPR14T3LY COLORFUL, 4R3 SUBP4R >:|  
GC: 1F 1 W4NT3D TO G3T TR4SH3D 1 WOULD ST1LL S33K OUT R3D ROB1N 4S 4N 4LT3RN4T1V3, B3C4US3 NOTH1NG TH3Y PRODUC3 D3S3RV3S 4 D34TH S3NT3NC3  
TG: i guess this teaches us valuable life lessons about trying to celebrate weird occasions in ironic ways without bothering jade or kanaya or callie for teleports out of town  
GC: 1 GU3SS  
GC: 1 4LW4YS F33L L1K3 K1ND OF 4 J3RK BOTH3R1NG TH3 SP4C3-G1RLS FOR TH4T STUFF, THOUGH  
CG: YEAH, ME TOO.  
CG: IT JUST KIND OF FEELS...INCONSIDERATE? I MEAN, KANAYA’S TOLD ME IT’S FINE BLAH BLAH I’M DEFINITELY NOT BUSY, BUT YOU’RE WEARING A GOWN THAT’S NINETY PERCENT INTRICATE LACE AND PAIL-ME HEELS, YOU’RE TRYING TO GET OVER TO ROSE’S PLACE ASAP, I’M NOT AN IDIOT.  
TG: yeah and jade or callie always kind of wants to come along  
TG: which normally id be okay with but today wouldve been   
TG: i mean callie got probs enough and jade feels bad enough about getting mindjacked as is  
GC: Y34H, NO N33D TO COMPOUND TH31R 1SSU3S W1TH OUR TR4D1T1ON4L H3Y-NOT-D34D D3PR3SS3D 1NTROSP3CT1ON HOUR

 

Be the blind girl. Get introspective.

You are now Terezi. And today is definitely a day of mixed feelings for you. Especially since out of this triad, you’re the one who, thanks to the THOUSANDFOLD THOUGHT (or as a certain dumb nerd insists on calling it, the MINDY THING), knows in absolute, exacting detail what went down in that alternate past that could've been your future. Could've been, but for a few altered choices and a bloodstained scarf-scroll.

It doesn’t really help you feel better about yourself.

Then again, none of you are very good at feeling good about yourselves.

GC: 4NYW4Y, H3R3’S TO TWO Y34RS OF NOT DY1NG HORR1BLY L1K3 4 C3RT41N PR3V1OUS T1M3L1N3  
GC: 4ND NOT M4K1NG C4T4STROPH1C M1ST4K3S L1K3 K1LL1NG YOUR MO1RA1L  
GC: OR H4T3-D4T1NG G4MZ33  
GC: 3SP3C14LLY H4T3-D4T1NG G4MZ33, 4K4 “TH3 4CTU4L WORST 1D34 1N 4LL OF P4R4DOX SP4C3”  
CG: HEAR HEAR.  
CG: I HONESTLY FEEL LIKE I DODGED THE CULLING FORK THERE PRETTY HARD MYSELF?  
CG: I MEAN, YOU WERE PRETTY CLEARLY THE WORST OFF IN THAT EQUATION, WHAT WITH THE FUCKED-UP MOBIUS BLACKROM LABYRINTH REACHAROUND GOING ON.  
CG: BUT IN RETROSPECT I’M SURE AS SHIT GLAD I DIDN’T END UP IN AN ALMOST-AS-WEIRD ONE-WAY MOIRALLEGIANCE WITH THE GUY.   
CG: I’M STILL TRYING TO FIGURE THAT ONE OUT. WHERE DID THAT SEEM LIKE A GOOD IDEA???  
CG: ACTUALLY, THAT’S A GRUBFUCKING LIE, I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE IT SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA.  
CG: IT’S WHAT YOU’D DO IN ANY MOVIE SITUATION. LIKE, THAT’S SUPPOSED TO BE THE IDEALIZED CINEMATIC HEIGHT OF MOIRALLEGIANCE, RIGHT?   
CG: YOU LASH YOURSELF TO THE PSYCHE OF THIS OUT-OF-CONTROL WRITHEFLAILING SHITWEASEL OF A TROLL, WHO’S GOT A SYLLADEX FULL OF DEATH IMPLEMENTS AND A HEAD FULL OF MURDER, AND ACT AS THE EYE OF THE FUCKING STORM.   
CG: AND FROM OUT OF THAT GROWS A BEAUTIFUL DIAMOND OF DEPENDENCE ON ONE ANOTHER.  
CG: EXCEPT…  
CG: THAT’S NOT HOW THAT WORKS. THAT’S NOT HOW ANY HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WORKS.  
CG: GOD, I STILL FEEL LIKE SUCH A CLUELESS TOOLHUSK WHEN I LOOK BACK ON HOW I USED TO THINK ABOUT THIS SHIT.  
CG: “QUADRANTS QUADRANTS GOTTA FIT EXACTLY INTO ONE, DURRRRRRRRR, VACILLATION IS A PERFECTLY HEALTHY IDEA HAHAHA LET ME CONTINUE INVERTING MY SHAME GLOBES PLEASE.”

 

===>

You gently reach over and squeeze Karkat’s hand, which makes him glance up and grumble, but smile a little bit. That makes you feel better, as it usually does.

You’re still glad you realized, thanks to a dead incarnation of yourself’s instructions, that you didn’t _need_ him; that the opinions of one nubby-horned boy, no matter how cute, kind, funny, or the Second Sufferer he might be, should not shape your life. Nor the opinions of an Earthly coolkid.

In a weird way, it let you let down your guard a little around them, enough to see that they were screwed up too.

GC: H3H, TO B3 F41R, “CLU3L3SS TOOLHUSK” 1S PROB4BLY 4 F41R D3SCR1PTOR FOR M3, TOO >:P  
GC: 1 TR13D SO H4RD TO B3 SO *SUR3* OF MYS3LF, OF WH4T 1 W4S DO1NG, OF MY *PURPOS3* 4ND HOW 1 F3LT 4BOUT P3OPL3  
GC: 3V3RYTH1NG COULD B3 R3DUC3D TO 4N 4BSOLUT3   
GC: 1NNOC3NT OR GU1LTY, BL4CK OR WH1T3, ON3 F4C3 OR TH3 OTH3R  
GC: 1 ST1LL F33L TH4T URG3 D33P DOWN  
GC: 1 W4NT TO M4K3 4N 3XCUS3  
GC: BL4M3 MY 4NC3STOR, OR S4Y 1T’S SOM3 SORT OF…  
GC: 4DD1CT1ON TO TH3 CONC3PT OF JUST1C3 >:?  
GC: BUT 1 TH1NK W3 4LL KNOW TH4T 1SN’T TRU3  
GC: 1 TH1NK TH4T “TH3 L4W” W4S WH4T 1 L4TCH3D ON TO 4S 4N 1D34L  
GC: 4S 4 SORT OF GU1D1NG ST4R FOR SOM3ON3 WHO F3LT STR4NG3 4ND 1SOL4T3D 4ND 3MPTY 1NS1D3  
GC: 4 W4Y TO H4V3 4NSW3RS 1 COULD B3L13V3 1N, 3V3N 1F TH3Y W3R3N’T MY OWN  
GC: 1 TH1NK TH4T MUST’V3 B33N P4RT OF WHY TH4T V3RS1ON OF MYS3LF TOOK TH3 STUP1D R1SK OF G3TT1NG 1NTO TH4T SORT OF R3L4T1ONSH1P   
GC: 4 W4Y TO SORT OF R3CONN3CT W1TH TH3 SUR3TY 1 US3D TO CONVINCE MYS3LF I HAD TO F33L  
GC: 1 KN3W NO M4TT3R WH4T, 1 WOULD ST1LL H4T3 G4MZ33, ST1LL F1GHT H1M, 4ND 1N TH4T W4Y H3 COULD B3 TH3 “3V1L” 1 W4S M34NT TO OPPOS3  
GC: JUST L1K3, W3LL, YOU  
GC: W3R3 SORT OF  
GC: TH3 OTH3R 3ND OF TH3 SP3CTRUM >:o  
CG: YEAH, I…  
CG: THE MORE I UNDERSTAND, THE MORE I END UP REGRETTING, HONESTLY. |:B  
TG: man yall cant hog the emotional turmoil hot tub here  
TG: gotta have room for all three of us in that particular jacuzzi  
TG: honestly i think thats part of skaias whole thing   
TG: where it decides its gonna be the big man in your yard of self-development and just proceeds to take you to school in the car of pain  
TG: all dunking on everything you thought you knew about and your dreams while slamjamming you into the last corner you ever fuckin wanted to be in  
TG: hmm heres this dude who desperately wants to prove himself in battle and could probably be like a cute horned genghis khan, lets put him in charge of making everyone get along long enough to get turned into fucking hamburger  
TG: heres this fine girl who doesnt believe in herself but would lay it all on the line for the ideal of whats right so lets make sure she gets to know all about why everyone makes their choices and how fuckin relative everything is thats nice  
TG: oh heres this kid who basically likes raps and wishes he had friends to talk to or a brother who gave half a shit about his feelings hmm yes his true destiny is to be the fucking game of death starring bruce lee with a sword   
TG: have fun with that kids and remember everythings a riddle that you wont figure out till too late

 

===>

GC: BUT M4YB3 TH4T’S SORT OF TH3 K3Y, 1SN’T 1T?  
GC: WOULD W3 3V3R H4V3 F1GUR3D TH1S CR4P OUT ON OUR OWN?  
GC: W3 W3R3 4LL 4LR34DY BUSY W1TH TH3 ST4ND4RD P4CK4G3 OF HOW 1T’S H4RD B31NG 4 K1D 4ND GROW1NG UP, NO ON3 UND3RST4NDS, 3TC., 4ND TH3 3XP3CT4T1ONS OF OUR 4NC3STORS, 4ND BLUHHHHH  
CG: HONESTLY? IT’S PRETTY MUCH A TOTAL FUCKING MYSTERY, THAT EVERYONE AGREES IS A MYSTERY, AND PROBABLY INVOLVES MORE OF A HEADACHE TO SOLVE THAN IS WORTH IT, SO DAMN IF IT’LL EVER GET SOLVED.  
CG: TRYING TO DIVINE THE ‘ABSOLUTE REAL INTENTIONS’ OF THE GAME IS LIKE LEADING A ONE-MAN SPELUNKING EXPEDITION INTO THE INTESTINAL TRACT OF THE PRIMORDIAL MOTHER GRUB WITH NOTHING BUT A RAPIDLY SUFFOCATING FAIRYBULL AS A LIGHT SOURCE.  
CG: I THINK THAT’S   
CG: I THINK THAT’S HONESTLY PROBABLY PART OF WHY GAMZEE ENDED UP HOW HE DID, ALONG WITH WHATEVER ENGLISH WAS PUTTING IN HIS IDIOT CLOWN HEAD?  
CG: YOU REMEMBER WHEN HE WAS STILL SOPORED UP ALL THE TIME, HE WOULD SORT OF VAGUELY FLAIL AFTER MEANING IN EVERYTHING HE SAW? ALL THAT FUCKING MIRACLE BULLSHIT. I USED TO GET SO ANGRY AT IT, BUT NOW IT JUST SEEMS KIND OF SAD.  
CG: KNOWING THAT...WHAT IT WAS REALLY LEADING TO WASN’T ANYTHING WONDERFUL, IT WAS JUST LEADING HIM INTO DISCOVERING HIS CAPACITY TO GO COMPLETELY OFF THE DEEP END IN BASICALLY EVERY WAY.  
CG: AND THEN YOU WONDER IF THERE’S ANYTHING YOU COULD’VE DONE TO STOP THAT, IF THERE WAS SOME NON-TIMELINE-DOOMING ACTION YOU COULD TAKE, AND IT JUST…  
CG: IT ALL SUCKS.  
GC: Y34H >:[  
GC: …  
GC: TL;DR, TH4NK GOODN3SS FOR STUP1D BUCK-T33TH3D GOOB3RS WHO H4V3 TH3IR DORKY SH1T TOG3TH3R, HUH? >:P  
CG: FUCKING AMEN.  
CG: TO JOHN EGBERT, THE DUNDERPAN THAT SAVED US ALL, NOT IN SMALL PART FROM OURSELVES.  
TG: fuck yeah  
TG: i will drink this shitty vaguely tropical fizzwater to that 

 

Drink the shitty vaguely tropical fizzwater.

It, like everything at Applebee’s, is bad. You can smell how red it is, the delicious strawberry-dragonfruit hue it should embody. It does not. It is somewhere between Faygo and the human variety of Capri-Sun, with a hint of Calliope’s special stardust in there (you know what this tastes like dissolved in liquid due to losing a bet with Vriska. You have resolved not to make any more bets with your moirail, but it’s hard, because if that girl has a true love it’s probably gambling).

Karkat does not have the requisite experience with awful tastes, and makes a face expressing mutiny. He is 110% done with this shit. It is adorable.

CG: UGH, FUCK, THIS TASTES LIKE OVERRIPE BULGEFRUIT SYRUP IN A CARBONATED BAG.  
CG: I HOPE YOU SOMEHOW COMPREHEND THE SACRIFICE WE’RE MAKING TO TOAST YOUR HONOR, JOHN!   
CG: THIS IS ABSOLUTE WIGGLER GARGLEPISS THAT WE ARE WILLINGLY POURING INTO OUR MANDIBLES WITH WILD ABANDON, ALL FOR YOU.  
TG: pffttt wiggler garglepiss im writing that one down that ones choice  
TG: man after so long i still fucking love your vocabulary man  
TG: you have a straight up lexical gift  
GC: 1T’S D3F1N1T3LY ON3 Of TH3 R34SONS 1 COULDN’T JUST ST4Y 4W4Y  
GC: 4 L1F3 3NT1R3LY W1THOUT K4RK4T’S GLOR1OUS 3LOQU3NC3 WOULD B3 TOO DR34RY 4N 3X1ST3NC3 FOR 4NY 1NC4RN4T1ON OF M3 >;]  
TG: well yknow rezi i think frankly this matespritship would be missing something without your mastery of wildly inappropriate commentary and unparalleled command of the flavortown color wheel too  
GC: 4W D4V3 >:’D  
CG: YOU ARE BOTH EMBARRASSING SENTIMENTAL FRONDGROPERS, AND I LOVE YOU. THANKS FOR MAKING ME BLUSH, FUCKLORDS.  
CG: <3  
GC: <3  
TG: <3  
CG: WITH THAT ESTABLISHED, WHY DID WE CHOOSE THIS HELLSCAPE FOR A DATE AGAIN, AND CAN WE ESCAPE THE GRAVITY OF SAID EGREGIOUS FUCKWALLOW YET?  
CG: THE WAITRESS WILL BE BACK SOON AND I DON'T HAVE THE PSYCHOLOGICAL FORTITUDE TO HOLD BACK MY INVECTIVE TIDE AT THE THOUGHT OF BEING PROFFERED A SIDE ORDER OF GARBAGE-FRIED CHEESE AND “SLIDERS” FOR THE FOURTH TIME IN A ROW.

 

Dave: Remember why you’re here.

TG: oh shit no no nooo we have a sacred duty to discharge herein  
TG: theres a procedure we gotta observe up in this bitch  
TG: see we came here at the behest of a tradition established in some of moms wizardfic inspiration bibliography  
TG: a magical tradition involving enough unicorns to sate even lisa franks freakish rainbow chunderhunger  
TG: and involving love “pouring out” and i quote “of every inch” of our mutual beings “like golden water”  
TG: anyway we needed a diner and a jukebox and the closest thing within three hours of can town was this little ditty  
GC: 1 COULD’V3 SWORN W3 H4D 4 D3NNY’S W1TH1N MUN1C1P4L L1M1TS >:?  
TG: nah cd bought em out  
TG: the mayors gotta learn to watch out for that dude, he’s a real hardcore sumbitch  
CG: WHAT, THE TINY DERSITE IN THE HUGE HAT? THAT GUY?? THE GUY WHO TRIED TO “UN-SIT” ON SAID HEADGEAR???  
TG: thats just his public persona man  
TG: underneath it that guys colder than the motherfucking antarctic  
CG: *WHAT*.  
GC: 4H4! 1 R3M3MB3R TH1S ON3!  
GC: Y3S, Y3SSS  
GC: ROXY SH4R3D TH3 T3XT W1TH M3 4S W3LL, 4ND 1 DO B3L13V3 1…  
GC: *S33* OUR 41M > ;D  
GC: *D1SGR4C3FUL 3Y3BROW W4GGL1NG*  
GC: CONS1D3R M3 100% ON BO4RD >:]  
TG: fucking excellent   
TG: then excuse me honeys mine, i got a jukebox to commandeer

 

Dave: Be Karkat.

You are now Karkat. You cannot decide if you are more perturbed by these salacious rumors re: the private lives of the second most adorable carapacian you know, who you were pretty sure was His Honor’s right-hand shell, or by whatever dread Internet-related cahootscheme your matesprits have cooked up here. It involves fanfiction, which is never good. It involves wizard fanfiction, which is doubly never good.

You wonder if it’s from that one book series, IN WHICH SCARFACE PORTTREY VERY INCIDENTALLY RETRIEVES THE PHILOSOPHER’S STONE, BUT THE PRIMARY THRUST OF THE PLOT IS ABOUT A MAGIC SCHOOL FOR WIZARD WIGGLERS or whatever it’s called. You’re reasonably sure Scarface Porttrey was the main guy. He’s the one Roxy based the villain of Wizardy Herbert on, you think? Maybe? He’s on every book cover and looks like an asshole, though this describes 99% of human book covers.

(You are not secretly helping Roxy edit Wizardy Herbert. That’s not a thing you’d do. Nope, you can say with certainty you would never do that. You should also message her later about your next editing jam se--whoops oh shit.)

Anyway, that book series has some of the most dire fanfiction you’ve ever seen, and you once read Tavros’ self-insert Fiduspawn anthology. Any ironical idea spawned from that cesspit is going to be bad for you, the kind that ends you up in The Enquiring Carapacian. You must evade this dire fate.

 

Karkat: Evade dire fate.

You cannot evade your fate, because you are too busy watching Dave parkour his way over a booth and strut over to the jukebox in that way he has that you doubt he even knows about. As a human poet was wont to say, you hate to watch him go but love to watch him leave, which is to say that you are distracted by his CHOICE ASS.

Terezi, too, fondly regards Dave’s ass. It fits his pajamas just so; it shows off how much give there is to it. One might settle into that ass. Get comfortable, start a family. Bounce a coin off that ass, you could demand of visitors; it’s not going anywhere. Bet you that coin’ll make a good home there. 

It’s a gamble even Vriska can’t beat you at.

Wait, something is happening. Dave is starting up a song, and suddenly Terezi has hoisted you out of the chair. You curse the siren call of Dave’s plush rump, but it is too late. You are shanghaied from the relative peace of the Applebee’s table, into the terror dome of the Applebee’s foyer.

Oh no. Oh no. You recognize this goddamn music. Oh man, oh God, oh man, oh God.

 

Karkat: Abscond!

It is too late for that. Erasure’s _“Always”_ has begun to play, and the eyes of every Dersite and Prospitian in the diner, of which there are FAR too many for how completely shitty this place is, are rapidly becoming fixed on you. You hate everything.

Terezi gives you the queen regnant of all shit-eating grins.

TEREZI: M1ST3R FUTUR3 STR1D3R-PYROP3, M4Y 1 H4V3 TH1S D4NC3? >:] > :] >:]  
KARKAT: GOD *DAMN* IT. GOD DAMN *YOU*. FUCK. NO. I REFUSE DESPITE ITS FUTILITY.  
TEREZI: 4W, C’MON! 1 PROM1S3 1 W1LL B3 4 G3NTL3TROLL! >:D

Despite saying this, she proves herself to be a vile liar as she slips her arm around your waist and pulls you in with draconian grace, which is to say like a predator toying with her prey before it is devoured. 

Dave has a karaoke mic. Why does he have a karaoke mic? What cursed realm do you inhabit?

DAVE: open your eyyyyyyes  
DAVE: yo your eyes are open  
DAVE: wear no disguiiiiiiise  
DAVE: come out in the open

You are dancing. You are dancing in the middle of a fucking Applebee’s, twirling in circles with Terezi Pyrope’s face grinning up at you as you muster your eyebrows for a glare to shake her foundations. You fail to do so, of course; mostly you muster a pout. Your cheeks are burning, and you swear you heard a camera. Tomorrow’s Enquiring Carapacian will no doubt read “SEER AND KNIGHT CUT RUG IN DINER DANCE-OFF”; Rose’s bemused smirk will multiply your shame.

KARKAT: YOU ARE AN INVIDIOUS SUCCUBUS AND DAVE IS SOME KIND OF HOBGOBLIN ASSHOLE. I AM NEVER GOING TO A DINER AGAIN WITH YOU PEOPLE. THIS IS IT FOR ME AND DINERS. WE’RE DONE! I BAN MYSELF FROM ALL THE LANDS OF THE SUNNY-SIDE UP EGGS AND THE PIPING HOT LARVABURGER! HENCEFORTH I SHALL BE A FUCKING HERMIT AND SCAVENGE LIKE MY GODDAMN LUSUS TAUGHT ME TO.  
TEREZI: 1 PR3F3R DR4CCUBUS, TH4NK YOU, M1ST3R V4NT4S >;D  
TEREZI: 4ND W3 BOTH KNOW TH4T 1S 4N 3MPTY THR34T, TH3 C4LL OF TH3 CUSTOM1Z4BL3 GR4ND SL4M 1S TOO MUCH FOR 4NY S3NT13NT B31NG TO R3S1ST >:P

She is right and you hate her for it.

DAVE: when its cold outside  
DAVE: am i here in vaaaaaaiiiiinnn  
DAVE: (its applebees so yeah you def are)  
DAVE: hold oooooonnnn   
DAVE: to the niiiiiiiiight  
DAVE: there will be no shame

KARKAT: IT’S TOO LATE FOR THAT! THE SHAME, IT TURNS OUT, WAS ALREADY HERE! IT WAS INSIDE YOUR BOYFRIEND ALL ALONG, YOU *SCURRILOUS BULGEHUFFING FUCKSMELLER*! PUT DOWN THAT KARAOKE MIC AND FACE ME, STRIDER!!  
TEREZI: PFH4H4H4H4  
TEREZI: SHHHH, D34R K4RK4T, SHHHH  
TEREZI: ONLY 3R4SUR3 NOW >:]

DAVE: aaaaaaalllllways i wanna be with you  
DAVE: and make believe with you  
DAVE: and live in harmony harmony ooooohhh loooove  
DAVE: yo so you know this is a song about boning, chess dudes  
DAVE: hell of human sex metaphors all raining down, erections sprouting in bushels from the renewed earth

Terezi kisses you before you can crane your head to shout for an end to his devil words. She tastes of shitty pseudotropical not-Faygo and all you ever wanted. You part from her and there is Dave, and you kiss him too despite the fact his breath still reeks of chicken errors, because he is anything else you could ever want or need. You allow your face to collapse into a rueful smile.

You’re getting better, all of you are, one day at a time.

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I have never been to Applebee's.


End file.
